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China Cracking Down On Digital Pornography

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - 2 hours 25 min ago
In order to "purify the Internet's cultural environment and protect the healthy development of minors," the Chinese government is targeting search...
Categories: Satire

[audio] Robbie Knievel Plans Transcontinental Wheelie

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - 8 hours 24 min ago
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
Categories: Satire

Terror Experts Warn Next 911 Could Fall On Different Date

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - January 7, 2009 - 00:30
WASHINGTON—According to the Department of Homeland Security, the U.S. could soon find itself in a "very real" 5/25 scenario, as well as a potential 3/7 situation.
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Single-Engine Cessna Crashes Into Bush

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - January 6, 2009 - 15:00
CAMP DAVID, MD—The Federal Aviation Administration said engine failure was to blame for a pilot losing control of a four-seater Cessna...
Categories: Satire

Franken Likely Winner

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - January 6, 2009 - 12:00
After nearly two months of recounts, Al Franken is the likely winner of the contested Minnesota Senate race. What do you think?
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[audio] Scientists Discover Pumpkin-Pie-Based Cancer Cure

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - January 6, 2009 - 06:00
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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[video] Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - January 6, 2009 - 00:00
The MacBook Wheel lets consumers accomplish everyday tasks like typing with just a few dozen spins and clicks of a wheel.
Categories: Satire

Lazy Daredevil To Lie Across 12 Couches

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - January 5, 2009 - 14:07
LAS VEGAS—In his greatest feat to date, lazy daredevil Pete "The Idler" Nucci will attempt to lie across 12 couches in under an hour this...
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Survival Of Autoerotic Asphyxiation Closest Thing Man Got To Christmas Miracle

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - January 5, 2009 - 13:32
DUNDEE, IL—"This is what Christmas is all about," said a police investigator, who found the unconscious body after responding to complaints of a loud crash.
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Testosterone Patch Revives Female Sex Drive

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - January 5, 2009 - 12:00
A study published in The New England Journal Of Medicine says that postmenopausal women experience an increase in libido with a testosterone...
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[audio] NASA Embarks On First Mission To Iowa

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - January 5, 2009 - 06:00
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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My Computer Totally Hates Me! vs. God, Do I Hate That Bitch

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - January 4, 2009 - 23:49
About a month ago, I got a new computer here at my reception desk at the dentist's office, and, boy, does that thing have it in for me! I am not kidding. When it sees me coming, I swear, it must be all like, "Oh, goody, here comes Vicki... time to go on the fritz!" I mean, my computer seriously hates me!
Categories: Satire

I Have An iPodIn My Mind

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - January 4, 2009 - 23:14
I'm sure you've seen a lot of tech-savvy people smugly showing off that new hunk of entertainment hardware, the iPod personal stereo. Well, I might not have the scratch to get one, but frankly, I don't want the white-corded wonder. I have my very own iPod—in my mind.
Categories: Satire

Hypoallergenic Cats

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - January 4, 2009 - 21:28
An American biotechnology will soon sell a specially engineered breed of cats that will not trigger a reaction in allergy sufferers. What do...
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[audio] Roomba Continues Gathering Evidence Against Human Captor

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - January 4, 2009 - 19:42
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
Categories: Satire

Employee Worries Coworker's Computer Screen May Be Larger

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - January 4, 2009 - 17:56
DALLAS– Dan Pulsipher, a Java engineer with software developer Razornet Technologies, fretted Monday that the computer monitor of coworker Allen Walls may be larger than his own. "I've got a 17-incher," Pulsipher said. "But I'm almost positive that Allen's is a 19. What gives?" Pulsipher, who has been with Razornet three and a half years to his counterpart's six months, also fears that Walls' monitor may have a .26mm dot pitch.
Categories: Satire

Gmail User Pities Hotmail User

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - January 4, 2009 - 17:21
OLYMPIA, WA—Recent Gmail convert William Ramsak, 23, said Monday that his "heart goes out to" friend Kelly Oldenburg, who still sends e-mail through an MSN Hotmail account. "I feel so bad for you, needing to squeeze into 250 MB of storage space," Ramsak wrote to Oldenburg in an e-mail. "And I hate thinking of you sorting all your old e-mail, while Gmail automatically indexes mine so they are searchable." Ramsak then asked Oldenburg when he was going to "stop being a Microstooge and join Team G."
Categories: Satire

Fucker Sure Taking Long Time To Download

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - January 4, 2009 - 16:45
MESA, AZ–That fucker sure is taking a long time to download, computer user Larry Eisen reported Monday. "What is taking this fucker so long?" asked Eisen, trying to download the fucker from amug.org, the web site for Arizona Macintosh Users Group. "I got a DSL line for this?" Spokespersons for AMUG, which offers the 145 MB, BinHex-encoded fucker for download off its FTP server, could not be reached as of press time.
Categories: Satire

Scientists Create World's Largest Novelty Atom

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - January 4, 2009 - 06:10
CHICAGO—"Man, no way we're getting any more work done this year," said atomic physicist Dr. Thom Frederiksen after viewing the ridiculously huge atom.
Categories: Satire

New Technological Breakthrough To Fix Problems Of Previous Breakthrough

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - January 4, 2009 - 05:35
COLLEGE STATION, TX–Agricultural scientists around the world are hailing what is being called "the biggest breakthrough in biotechnology since the breakthrough it fixes."
Categories: Satire
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